Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Mary Fakhoury is Fucking Insane

Let me set this up for you. I did a show on Monday, November 22nd at the Elbo Room, a great venue on Lincoln just north of Diversey. It was a really good lineup that included Jacob Williams, Prescott Tolk, Joe Kilgallon, Marty DeRosa, and me, in that order. The crowd was light, only about 15 people or so, but they were nonetheless engaged. There was a music show set to take place directly after the comedy show. During Joe’s set, a woman started wandering the room looking for... something. This is Mary Fakhoury, our hero. She was slated to sing after us. I’m not exactly sure what happened between this and my set, so I will try to summarize as objectively as possible.

Joe engaged Mary because she was being distracting, either by walking or by talking at an audible volume. (I’m half deaf so if I could hear her, EVERYONE could hear her.) Basically, Mary said she goes by “M” and that she could sing in three languages: Arabic, French, and Spanish. Joe made fun of her for not listing English.

During Marty’s set, it was more of the same. She kept talking and Marty, no slouch when it comes to crowd work, riffed some more on this weirdo. At some point she claimed to be “worldly” and “cultured.” Either way, a huge distraction to the show.

I went up last, after Marty. I don’t need to describe what happened because I have the audio here:



So yeah. Funny epilogue: after she left, she complained to her back-up band and the manager of the bar about what happened. She got even more infuriated when they took my side. So infuriated, in fact, that she left the venue and didn’t even perform her singing show! So then, the back up band which she hired to play, came up to me and shook my hand, thanking me for what I did. Apparently, she and her “manager” paid the back up band up front. The manager called later asking for half the money back and was promptly told to “screw.”

This is all hilarious to me, for obvious reasons. I thought it was over at that point. Unfortunately, when you assume sanity in another individual, you are often bitten in the ass by the fangs of fate...

I woke up the following morning and got this Facebook message from Mary Fakhoury on November 23 at 8:44 AM:

remember me the "KUNT" you should never be on stage your a talentless person and and the lowest was the "n" word wow! look up this cunt you have 700 views pathetic, I have 4 million look it up, and your so lucky my brother was not there, btw I also work for FOX news and they are so interested in the story, you can look up my news friends if you don't believe me: your career is going to be over, you opened up for tracy morgan who happens to be a black man and you have the audacity to use that word, what a story this will be your nothing but a low class peice of trash


So, at 2:38 PM, I responded:

Mary,

Holy shit, Fox News! I can't wait to get some press. Since Fox News always values the facts of a story more than the angle, let's get some facts straight:

1. I didn't use "the 'n' word," I used "nigger." I didn't call anyone a nigger, I said that you should be nice to me because, since you were going on after me, I could make everyone leave by saying "nigger" an absurd number of times.

2. I have never opened for Tracy Morgan. Even if I had, I'm not sure what that has to do with anything. I have opened up for my friend Hannibal Buress, who is also a black man. Does that help your nonsensical "argument?"

3. "Your" is possessive; "you're" is a contraction for "you are."

4. Nobody is interested in your story.

The only reason you are doing this is because you were acting like a cunt last night and you got called out on it. I, along with the other performers, popped the bubble of your delusional narrative in which you tell yourself you are a good, upstanding woman. That belief is in direct contradiction with reality.

By continuously talking, you treated the show, the performers, and the audience with such contemptuous disdain that the only valid explanation is that you are a cunt. I explained this to you in detail at the show. At first I thought, "Ah, she's probably drunk." But now that I see a lucid articulation of your inner monologue, it is obvious that you are a self-entitled, bone-stupid, cunty cunt. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that, but don't deny your identity! Be proud! The cunts have a very colorful history. Hell, a lot of U.S. Presidents were cunts. Maybe one day YOU could be President! Barry Bonds is a cunt and he has hit more home runs than anyone! (Well, anyone except Josh Gibson, another black man for whom I've never opened.)

You are just angry with yourself that you got stomped by a 25 year old dude. So, you have to be outraged now and act like someone else is to blame. It's childish. Look within yourself and figure out what it is that makes you so thoughtless and self-important. Maybe the (supposed) 4 million views have gone to your head. Maybe your pantsuit job at Fox News is inflating your ego. Or maybe you're just a cunt who needs to have her cunt fucked. If the latter is the case, send me your number and I'll give you plenty to be thankful for on Thursday...

Happy holidays!

Drew


She writes back:

your mentally ill and this will be posted everywhere, your a no talent peice of shit. period


And I write back:

Great! I will send you the audio from the show, a head shot, and my contact info so I can be rightfully credited. Let me know where this will be posted so I can send the link to my family and friends!

Thanks for helping me promote myself. You're a doll.

PS. See fact #3. You obviously missed it the first time.


At this point, she blocks me on Facebook. I then get a message from her brother, Hani Fakhoury:

hey mother fucker, can't wait for your next show, your going to be carried out in an ambulance promise you that


So I responded:

God damn it, didn't anyone teach your family how to use "you're," the proper contraction of "you are?"

Let me know which show you'd like to attend and I'll make sure to add you to the comp list!


He then told me to “keep it up.”

I then get word from someone that Mary has gone ape shit on Facebook/Twitter. I have a screen shot of what her Twitter account looked like:




Last night I got a phone call from the manager of Timothy O’Toole’s, the bar where we put up Comedians You Should Know. Apparently Mary called and talked their ear off for 45 minutes about how I threatened to rape her and how she is going to continue to call every venue she knows that books me.


And that brings us to now. First of all, I admire your patience in reading this far. Secondly, what the fucking fuck? I mean, okay, look, I get it. She’s mad. She wants to assert herself in this world where she feels alone and without meaning. Okay, fine. I’ve done my share of stalky behavior. (Ironically, it has been fun watching someone stalk really badly because it makes me appreciate how good I actually am.) But we’re dealing with true insanity here. Impervious to reason, the whole thing. I don’t know WHERE she is getting this Tracy Morgan stuff, but apparently it’s the crux of her argument against me. I suppose my completely contextual, non-racist use of the word “nigger” is even more offensive to her because, in her mind and ONLY her mind, I have opened for Tracy Morgan, a black man. How does this indict me, exactly? Not only does she think I’m racist, but she thinks I’m doing it behind Tracy Morgan’s back! Like I work my way up the ladder to get the opportunity to perform in front of Tracy Morgan, but secretly whenever he turns his back I’m just spouting the n word to anyone who will listen. “Fuck that stupid nigger! He’s such a nigger that he doesn’t even know I hate him because he’s a nigger!” This is what she is claiming?!

I have no idea... I honestly can’t make heads or tails out of her thought process. I am trying to imagine her inner monologue, but I can’t even believe it’s a coherent string of words. I imagine it’s just the “Song that Never Ends” from Lamb Chop supplemented with imagery of midget rape. I honestly don’t even know how to combat this foray of insanity. Every possible idea I come up with is - and should very well be - illegal.

That is all... for now.

39 comments:

kmacamp said...

Drew, this is amazing! (thanks for sharing)

Matt Drufke said...

The comments she left on your facebook page are also pretty amazing.

You can see Drew Michael at Midwest Comedy Showcase at The Hangout in Elgin (51 S. Grove) on 12/7.

Doktorsleepless said...

awesome.

calculuzz said...

This fucking rules. Fuck that cunt (non-sexually, of course).

The Internet's Dan Polydoris said...

Drew, this is awesome.

sarah said...

So I know I don't know you but someone posted this link on reddit today and I came across it.

1st - hilarious, hilarious, hilarious!

2nd - is that the illustrious Ryan Durdin introducing you and laughing in the background? I'm from Pensacola, FL and damn that's gotta be him!

Anonymous said...

Amazing. Thanks for being awesome.

Drew said...

@Sarah: Yes, that is him. Small world.

Anonymous said...

I have no idea how this fuckwit twat got my number but apparently I am her "Friend" Got a message from her today and I have never once talked to her yet she claims I have. I think the term we are looking for here is bat shit crazy. This mimbo needs to be sent to an asylum and I mean 20 minutes ago! Oh and very small world I am in New Mexico but originally born at NAS Pensacola, FL lol!

Gloria K said...

I was supposed to do some contract work for this woman. Glad to find this post and see that she's crazy 100% of the time.

Curran McHenry said...

I used to promote that psycho.... I got more stories than you can imagine....she is out of her friggin mind insane. She never worked at NBC... she told me she was a teacher whichj I can't even confirm. Any questions shoot em my way. LMAO Screw that crazy woman.

Curran McHenry said...

I used to promote that psycho.... I got more stories than you can imagine....she is out of her friggin mind insane. She never worked at NBC... she told me she was a teacher whichj I can't even confirm. Any questions shoot em my way. LMAO Screw that crazy woman.

Sheiscraycray said...

I worked with her as well about 8 years ago for approx 2 weeks. She was a pain in the ass and out of no where called my boss to complain about me. It was such a shock. Couldn't believe it. Nothing she said was true. My boss believed me after he had the privilege of working with her. Do u know it's been 8 years and she still tries to contact me thru all social media websites. For 8 years! I must be unforgettable! Lol. Psychopath.

Anonymous said...

Ok same story for me. My ex did some contract work for her and she is cray. So bizarre, yet like a train wreck I couldn't stop reading the article! She has al so listed somewhere that she was ms Illinois 2005. Uh...does she not realize that can easily be looked up!? Eeeek....

Anonymous said...

I did a project for her back in 2007... Oh wait... Maybe I shouldn't say that, 'cause maybe she'll figure out who I am, and go stalking me. Like all the previous commenters (I think the last anonymous is my ex... as she told me about this fantastic article!), I thought/think she is bat-shit crazy... Feeling super-entitled... and kind of embodies the stereotype of the Persian Princess... Feeling like she's some kind of royalty. She had very unreal expectations for her projects, and has a crazy temper. Even back in 2007 I tried to educate her on "You're" versus "Your" . It's hard to take a temper tantrum seriously when its grammar is so horrendous.

You can see her photos, and hear her music at http://www.maryfakhoury.com/ (check the media page) - I don't think her music is terrible.. It's not mainstream.... And with her temper, I don't see it getting far.

When my ex emailed me this "Remember her?" I replied "Yeah.. .I still have nightmares about her!"

Anonymous said...

This was too funny a read. Btw, she posted on CL that she's looking for a place to live. Any takers?

Anonymous said...

This guy is absolutely sick! he should never be allowed on stage, he is not a comic he is a racist. I was at the show Mary Fakhoury did nothing wrong, she walked in and he began to attack her for no reason after taking her seat. He asked her what nationality she was and she replied Middle Eastern to which he replied oh so you ride camels?? he tried to make a mockery out of her. She shot back at him because she got tired of him referring to African Americans as Niggers and told him he was not funny but rather sick and demented. He then began his rampage on her, saying she needed to be gang rapped the girl was abused it was so sad. Her family found out about the incident and wanted to beat his ass. He twisted everything around and showed sound bites only of Mary retaliating. The Elbo room did nothing of how he abused this beautiful girl sad very sad, He is not funny at all and the entire crowd was white typical trailer trash who laughed at everything he said, the people leaving the comments about Mary use to work for her and they robbed her blind stealing money out of her business account and they have the nerve to bash her, when they belong behind bars, unbelievable the evil.

Anonymous said...

Curran Mchenry is the Anonymous poster and others I won't mention because She is currently filing defamation lawsuit and theft against them, Curran stole over 5000.00 from Ms. Fakhoury for work he never did, the other post from December 22m 2014 did the same, when these people get fired they will do anything to seek revenge. I ask all of you who read this to call the Elbo room and get the recorded comical performance of Drew Michaels at the Elbo Room on Nov 22, 2010 and you be the judge, what you hear will blow your mind. Instead a girl who stood up against racism and other hate was crucified and not one person defended her, so so sad. BTW her grammar is not bad she has two masters degrees fyi, when your angry you write so quickly grammar is the last thing on your mind, by the way she is a professor by day not a pizza delivery man.

Anonymous said...

Yes she was Ms. Illinois USA she can prove that, she was also an intern in undergrad for Walter Jacobson for FOX News, and ABC News Charles Thomas, that can be verified whoever is the stupid ass that posted that, you will never reach her foot.

Anonymous said...

looking for a place to live? Ms. Fakhoury owns two homes in Chicago and LA WOW people are sick

Anonymous said...

I just started working for her... i'm fucked

Mary Fakhoury said...

This comic is a homophic racist. I got tired of him referring to black people as N---s. And homosexual ppl as faggots with aids. He is showing you only the parts that make him look like the victim. He referred to me as a camel jockey whore. The people posting comments are theives who stole money from me that was never done. This animal should never be allowed on stage. My attorneys are taking action. Google is also taking action. To Curren Mchenry, Bryce Collins you are part of the suit. Bullies need to be put in their place and that's exactly what I did.

Mary Fakhoury said...

Amazing that he is calling afican americans N----s in his show? Amazing that he said I need to be raped to straighten out? Amamazing he is referring to gay people as fags with aids???

Anonymous said...

Gloria I treated you to lunch you 500 pound pig, gave you 500.00 cash and you disappeared. Karma is a birch, the nerve

Anonymous said...

I know Mary personally she has a heart of gold. I was at the show this guy is an animal

Anonymous said...

Yes Gloria you met her for lunch she picked up the tab. Discussed what you would do for her. Took 500.00 cash from her and disappeared. Your a fraud and theif.

Anonymous said...

Ahhhh another one. Collected 400.00 a week to do promitional work. He is a loser his wife is the breadmaker. What did he do for Ms. Fakhoury? Pick up his drycleaning, play Video Games and just run errands then he would send Ms. Fakhoury a list of his weekly tasks he completed for her. Liar and a Fraud.

Anonymous said...

Never heard of this bitch?

Anonymous said...

Really can you read? Ms. Illinois USA. Graced over 22 magazine covers. Former professor working on her PH.D while filming. Grammy nominee google it crackhead

Anonymous said...

Bad grammar comes when people are being crucified. Trust me she is no dummy. Why do have nightmares? Is it because she is drop dead gorgeous with a brain and you look like a monkey? I would be pissed at my parents not her. FYI people who are bat shit crazy are not loved and adored by many. Did you know she is more popular in Europe and the Middle East than the USA? That should really give you nightmares

Anonymous said...

Lie Lie, ppl that post are anonymous. She owns a home in LA and Chicago.

Anonymous said...

Curren I was an intern at FOX and ABC. Are you still playing video games while your wife works? Loser. I hope you enjoyed running errands while sending me a weekly bill

Anonymous said...

Thank you. This is a forum for a racist homophobic comic who looks like Bozo the clown. His audience is trailer trash literally. I wish I recorded the slew of his sick, demented show. It was all uneducated ppl that were trailer trash drunks. He is an absolute demon. He needs the shit beaten out of him. Punk

Anonymous said...

Really Bryce your fucked. She is fucked you made alot of money off her for doing shit.

Anonymous said...

Goes to show your level of intelligence. "Fuck that cunt?" why because she told him his homophobic and racist hate speeches were not funny. Let me guess, you live in a trailer park and are married to your sister right? That's Drews audience. White Trash

Anonymous said...

He is a homophobic, racist who believes woman should be raped and beaten. That's awesome.

Anonymous said...

If she needs an assalym you need to be shipped to mars. Don't hate because you won't reach her level

Anonymous said...

Oh yes Amanda thank you for ruining my album release party. Amanda decided she was one of the guests. So I ran around decorating, socializing, making sure everyone was happy. Did party favors etc while Amanda PR extrodanare got drunk and mingled with guests. Thank you Amanda great job bitch.

Anonymous said...

These remarks are not only defamatory using termenology such as insane is both civilly and criminally illegal. After countless attempts to remove this link Google has ignored the reply stemming to persue both civil charges against Google and any other search engine. Mr. Michaels will be charged in both a criminal and civil suits. This so called comedian was using racist, and homphobic slurs in his act as well as verbal abuse toward Ms. Fakhoury. Anyone leaving remarks that are false and defamatory will be included in this lawsuit. Be careful what you say.